Yesterday evening, the Pawtucket Red Sox announced that Friday’s game on June 10 would be “Free Brady Friday.” This is, of course, a reference to the Infinite Jest of sports scandals, the absurd dystopian opus that just keeps on giving: Deflategate.
— PawSox (@PawSox) May 31, 2016
As satirical current events-related sports scandal-themed promos go, this one is pretty tame. Fans named “Tom” or “Brady” will be admitted to the game for free, and $13 box seats will cost $12 in honor of Brady’s uniform number (of that $12 ticket price, the PawSox will donate a “quarter back” to the Brady-supported “Best Buddies” charity).
Today, in what is the International League promo equivalent of a rap battle, the Buffalo Bisons played Drake to the PawSox’s Meek Mill. June 11, a doubleheader vs. the Charlotte Knights, is now “Keep Brady Suspended Night” at Buffalo’s Coca-Cola Park.
The Bisons, calling an audible, have fired back pretty hard with this one. I’m not sure Brady supporters can handle these offensive lines, man. They’re doing everything here short of playing underhanded soft ball. Per the team:
The New England Patriots quarterback has been suspended the first four games of the 2016 NFL season for cheating in a playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. To show our support for this just and rightful punishment, the ‘Keep Brady Suspended Night’ will feature:
Buy-One, Get-one Free Tickets to anyone that brings a PROPERLY-INFLATED football to be donated to area youth football programs
Accepting UN-DESTROYED cell phone donations for ‘Cell Phones for Soldiers’ charity
A 12.5% discount in the Bisons’ gift shop for anyone that brings a Tom Brady jersey/T-shirt to add to the postgame Fireworks Display
Help us remind Tom of the minimum amount of inflation for footballs,
for you know…once he gets to play again
Scoreboard videos featuring some of sports’ greatest cheaters,
with special video tribute to Patriots’ coach, Bill Belichick
The Bisons go on to state that “If you are named ‘Tom’ or ‘Brady’ you will be allowed into Coca-Cola Field … but will not be allowed to watch the first four innings of game one of the doubleheader. Please, no appeals.”
Here’s hoping the PawSox will soon respond in kind, escalating this promo battle royale into even more rarefied air (or lack thereof). Good thing, though, that the Bisons hail from Buffalo, as nothing has occurred during that city’s long and distinguished football history that anyone could possibly make fun of.
There’s been a lot of chatter lately regarding “Deflategate.” Unless you are living under a rock and/or don’t care about extremely trivial matters, then you are no doubt already familiar with this latest and greatest NFL controversy. It revolves around allegations made against the New England Patriots and their coach, Bill Belichick, who have been accused of gaining an unfair advantage in last Sunday’s AFC Championship game against Indianapolis via the use of improperly inflated balls.
This scandal, ridiculous yet captivating, calls out for a satirical response from a Minor League Baseball team. Yesterday evening, after a little Twitter prompting from yours truly, one team answered the call: The Myrtle Beach Pelicans.
On Wednesday, April 15, the Pelicans will be staging #DeflateCancer Night at their home of TicketReturn.com Field. The aim, as the team puts it, is to “tighten the grip on testicular cancer.”
This promotion, simply put, is brilliant. Minor League Baseball at its best. Tire service checks? Free ball inflation? A Rocky Mountain Oyster eating contest? A deflation ceremony? An apropos Breeders reference? It’s all here, along with much, much more. Let’s go to the press release:
In light of the NFL and New England Patriots “Deflate-gate” scandal, #DeflateCancer Night will focus on raising awareness for testicular cancer and feature an inflatable baseball giveaway to the first 1200 fans through the gates. Eleven of every 12 fans will receive a deflated ball, while one in every 12 will receive a “properly” inflated ball.
When fans arrive at the ballpark, they will be greeted by a variety of ball-related promotions. Any fan who arrives in a vehicle with a Massachusetts license plate can request a complementary tire-pressure check from service technicians from Tire Town, who will also be on-site passing out free tire pressure gauges to fans.
The Pelicans staff will offer free ball inflation at Gate 1 to fans that bring deflated balls in need of inflation. If they wish to donate their deflated (but functional) balls (footballs, beach balls, basketball, volleyballs, and soccer balls), the Pelicans will donate them to the Boys and Girls Club of the Grand Strand.
Once inside the ballpark, fans can take advantage of concessions discounts on meatball sandwiches, chicken bog balls, roasted and boiled nuts, and of course, discounted hot dogs as a part of the yearlong Weiner Wednesday promotion. The team also plans to conduct a Rocky Mountain oyster-eating contest between Pelicans Vice President and General Manager Andy Milovich and one “lucky” fan as a between inning game. Fans can also take deflated hot-air balloon “rides” at the park.
The Pelicans will also pass out balloons to fans during the game to engage in a communal deflation ceremony while playing the “Deflate-gate” press conference of New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick on the left field video board.
Music for the night is sure to feature famous ball-related tunes like “Great Balls of Fire,” “Cannonball,” “Wrecking Ball,” and “Balls to the Wall.”
Important to note for concerned parents, the Pelicans have opted not to invite the New England Patriots equipment manager to run the Kids Zone. The bounce house, speed-pitch, and obstacle course will, as always, be inflated to the specified safety levels outlined in their respective manuals.
Finally, the Pelicans plan to formally invite Walt Anderson and his officiating crew from the AFC Championship Game to inspect the game balls prior to first pitch.
Word from Splash, the Pelicans mascot, is that Mugsy, the Salem Red Sox mascot, has been hatching plans to film the Pelicans practices prior the three-game series, which begins on April 13 at TicketReturn.Com Field at Pelicans Ballpark.
“In honor of the New England sports tradition, the choice of a night in which the Boston Red Sox affiliate was in town was the obvious choice for this night,” explained Milovich. “To be able to promote awareness of such a serious disease so early in the season, while having some fun in the process is what we are all about.”
#DeflateCancer Night is one of the nights in the Pelicans’ Strike Out Cancer series, a six-night series devoted to raising awareness and money to fight different types of cancer. The series was a great success in 2014.
Kudos to Andy Milovich and the Pelicans staff for once again showcasing their formidable brainstorming skills, and for once again tying it all in to a good cause. As you may recall, Milovich has ample experience with this sort of thing:
Meanwhile, word on the street is that at least one other Minor League team will be announcing a #DeflateGate promo today. Stay tuned…